Should I have become a mother? What made me think I could be a good one? There’s this small part of me that feels bad about passing down the migraine genetics, but then I also passed down beautiful lips and a great sense of humor and allergies to no foods.
I focus more on the emotional responsibilities. Have I hurt or ruined my children in a million small ways? Will they spend a lifetime trying to recover from the harm I’ve done? There are 2 parts to this: an obsessive inner voice that critisizes everything I do – every interaction or missed interaction, every word spoken or not spoken. But second – there is this larger presence…it sits above and looks down at the whole scene, it is impartial and reasonable and wise (above all, wise)…this presence tsks the smaller obsessive voice: “Don’t be ridiculous. Your children are rockin’! They are healthy (no mental or eating disorders), they are independent, they are kind, they love, they have passion, they know their parents LOVE them.”
Always a struggle between these 2 voices. I’ve been told before that because I question my parenting, it means I’m a better parent than I realize. They said, not-so-good or bad parents don’t question their parenting; they think they’re doing an awesome job. Or they think they’re doing it right. Sometimes when I become obsessive, it’s a sign my Depression is mounting. And that realization has me anxious. Sneak attacks by Depression.
One time my mom and I were driving to Phoenix together. We were discussing my mental health and she said, “I know what your problem is, Donna. You worry too much.” I thought about that. I do worry sometimes…maybe even often. But I told her I don’t think WORRY is my main problem. I told her I thought it was her main problem, but mine was more self deprecation and loathing and guilt. It’s possible I’m wrong about it all. I’ve been wrong before.
The goal of this integrated EMDR is to treat my underlying confusion and hopefully that will in turn help better process my pain. I’m working. Hard.
Also still working on a migraine video project. It’ll probably suck but I’ll be pleased I made the effort to create.
There is more power in being vulnerable and authentic. “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” (Brene Brown)
I love when it’s #PainAwarenessMonth and my body is trying to overachieve, and it’s only day 3 – said no Chronic Migraineur ever.
And I can’t really muster more than that. All day. Just all day. Left side…deep behind eyebrow. Symptoms rendering me useless. Just. So. Stupid.
It’s been busy:
Kids starting school, solar eclipse, hurricane Harvey, moving Ken into apartment at UT.
I’m worried about my Corey getting rejected for auditions after all his hard work. Robyn didn’t make the tennis team 2 weeks ago. I’m not handling my kids’ rejections well.
I’m working on a mini migraine project and it’s probably stupid.
My parents are coming for a few days to leave Bella with us while they go to Europe.
This morning I woke feeling like I’d been attacked by a bear in my sleep. How can everything hurt? I’m marathoning the Office to improve my mood.
Shanna and I discussed CONFUSION this week. EMDR brought me back to a time when I saw people who were supposed to love each other fight like maniacs – screaming, yelling, violent shouting that went on and on and was often caused by insignificant conflicts. I hid in my closet. I was 10. I wondered if the police would come and break it up, like I saw they did for the neighbors sometimes.
1) Was this how people who loved each other were supposed to communicate?
2) Where was the parent in the room? The parent who should have had some control, who should have been acting mature?
If I had been the adult ME there…I would have thrust myself in between them. “You – go to your room! You – go to your room! Both of you stop this! You’re acting like imbeciles and need some cooling off. Can you not hear yourselves?” But there was no adult there. No parent. It was unsafe. And it makes me angry, frustrated and upset. Could something like that situation occur in our home now – with our family unit? I believe as a mother I have lost my shit many times with both Marc and the kids. And often over stupid stuff. Did it ever turn into a verbal screaming match that lasted an hour and could be heard by neighbors? No. Absolutely never.
That place of confusion is one that makes me very uneasy: I long for structure, for schedule, for lists, for goals and plans to take in pursuing goals. I’m a nursing care planner, a mother of many. I do not exist well in the state of chaos. To some, it is their comfort zone. But not for me.
While I’m a planner and implementer, I do not view the world with rigidity: things are GRAY. Sometimes someone oversleeps and we have to adjust the plan. Sometimes someone gets sick, something gets forgotten, the weather gets in the way…it happens…and I adjust. Pretty easily. Plans are already forming with adjustment in place. It’s all good. Everything is a work in progress.
Shanna challenged me to think about the confusion of chronic pain…as soon as I walked out the door, an outline with bullets was forming, the soundtrack was Phil Collins “Land of Confusion”
Too many men,
There’s too many people,
Making too many problems.
And not much love to go round.
Can’t you see
This is the land of confusion?
Was that song always playing in there? Hmm.
Anyway, as Phil whines away, I see clearly, confusing issues I’m dealing with:
*There’s this point in Chronic Pain…you’re sure you’re in pain. Sure of it. But it goes on and on. And as it does, Pain becomes a normal state. So then, you’re questioning the pain – is it real? Of course it is. But can people exhist with constant pain? Have you heard of that? How can they not get better? Have you heard of that? Are they just grouchy complainers? I don’t think I am a grouchy person. Or a complainer. But I keep falling back into pain state. Why is that? How did that happen? Despite carefully replanning my life to avoid pain and things that might cause me pain… It’s there. Almost always, a dark passenger, a shadow behind my eyes. What is that??
*You see doctors, therapists, practitioners of all kinds…take medicine that will fix you, do therapies that will fix you, follow treatment plans/diets/regimens…and you don’t get “better.” But you’re supposed to! They said you would! You must be doing it WRONG if it’s not working – right? Because I was raised in a place believing everything was my fault.
“See what you made me do??”
*And above all Phil Collin’s plaintiff wailing, is the recurring question… What did I do to make this happen to me? Where did things go wrong? I have one friend who says everything was fine until a few months after her Gardasil vax, she fell ill with CM in college and has never recovered. Another friend says it was an ER visit – she was controlling her migraines pretty well until one landed her in the ER where she fell asleep in a funky body position and she hasn’t been able to recover from CM. All these stories…all these attempts to pinpoint the thing, the moment that sent us into Chronic’s chaos. Was it because I was taking too much ibuprofen? Or was I taking all that ibuprofen because of the pain? A-ha. See the dicotomy? Can it ever truly be one thing that caused it all? No one knows. Or if they do know, they aren’t telling me. I just read an article on Facebook today blaming root canal for incredible maladies – including breast cancer. So…who knows? All I do know is I don’t have any cavities and I’ve always wanted to avoid root canal. So there’s that, Phil.
Confusion. How do I get control? Or surrender it? Am I in control? Are we ever? What am I supposed to do with the pain? Am I supposed to be doing something I’m not? What the fuck happened to my life?
This is the world we live in.
And these are the hands we’re given.
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.
My head was decent Wednesday (the kid’s first day back to school) and Thursday and even this morning. But it’s smoldering in there as this Friday moves on and I cannot ignore it’s painful wails and migraine symptoms anymore. Friday migraines. Always fun. I have errands to run and a wine tasting party tonight at our friend’s.