So hard to explain

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Quiet

Have been thinking a lot. Maybe obsessing. Not ready to write my feelings down yet. Not sure what they are.

My head has been meh – not too bad, not pain-free but not demanding all my attention. My back has been bothering me – not too bad, definitely hurting but not demanding all my attention. I’m fat and flabby and tired. And it’s really hot and disgusting. 

Trying to rest and recover from week-long houseguests (absolutely overwhelming and waaay outside my abilities), a head injury on Friday, my friend with breast cancer (and the millions of conflicting/confusing emotions and thoughts with that)…then there’s my illnesses…and adjusting to whatever life I’m supposed to be living. And my biz, which I love and suck at.

I’m confused. I’m overwhelmed. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m in chaos. And alone. I’m breathing but I can’t catch my breath and the air is stale and close. Blah blah blah blah. Snore.

Getting lost in smokey eye sounds therapeutic. 

Stop. What’s that sound?

Sometimes I can be a real shit.

So caught up in myself; so caught up in my pain…in the life of a chronic migraineur…my life and struggle, that I disregard another’s struggle. I’m a flawed human. I claim to be so empathetic when I’m really envious. Flaw. Sin.

I think I made a discovery about myself today. It’s time to stop making it all about Migraines and my daily struggle. There are other horrible things; others enduring pain and suffering. Yes, I’m an advocate for CM and RA and chronic invisible illness but sometimes I might be needed as a friend.

Someone said to me today, “She really misses you. She talks about you all the time.”

God, I’m so so sorry. How could I be so blind? And so hyperfocused on myself?

My Dark Passenger, Deapair

​A Half Life.

A Life of Moments.

Don’t think too much.

Stop blaming yourself.

Stop feeling Guilty.

You didn’t cause this – you don’t have that power.

Stop feeling like a Burden.

Stop feeling like a Freak.
But I cannot stop thinking or feeling.

It is all I have…in this Half Life of Moments.
I have my Guilt, I have my Shame…

And it is a Mighty Feast for one.
And my family…my greatest blessing…

My reason for living, for moving, for continuing to Breathe.

I am told they would not be better off without me. I am told that. I am asked, “Can’t you see that?”

And I’m afraid I cannot.
They deserve Freedom from the great weight that holds them down, requires their care.

They deserve so much more.
They deserve a Whole Life.

To Anyone Who Wonders How People With Migraine Push Through the Pain 

​(I wish I could have written this…it is so accurate and well described)
To Anyone Who Wonders How People With Migraine Push Through the Pain by Lisa Jacobson — Founder, The Daily Migraine
People constantly ask all of us, “How do you do it?”  YOU HAVE TO.  That’s it.  Very simple.  Just push through the sheer excruciating pain.  You have to work because you have to support yourself.  You have to take care of your kids because no one else can.  Drive-stop-vomit-drive-stop-vomit-repeat.
The challenge with chronic head pain is that it is invisible.  If you tell people you really hurt, then you are complaining.  We are disbelieved simply because we are women, and dismissed as having a “women’s disease.”  If we don’t tell people about our pain, then we are responsible for them not understanding we have a debilitating condition.
The physical hurts are unyielding.  The pain.  The numbness.  The weakness.  The dizziness.  The nausea. 
Yet the psychic hurts can feel much worse.  We are faking it.  We should take Tylenol and then be all better.  We must be doing something wrong.  “I used to have that and I did x, y and z, and I’m all better.”  It’s insulting and infuriating.
So what do you do when your current state has become a dark room, in bed, isolated from the world, life passing you by, and maybe the only living being that understands is your pet?
The most basic of prescriptions will get you through: Do what you need to do for you.  Stop caring about the naysayers.  Be your own priority.  Advocate for yourself.  Do the best you can.  Accept your limitations.  It’s not selfish to tend to your own health.  Get rid of those who refuse to support you.  Never stop trying new treatments.  Join an online support group.  Never give up hope.  Tomorrow is a new day with new treatments, new ideas and new inspiration, and maybe a pain-free day.
And don’t underestimate the power of the simplest thing of all: BREATHE.