Today’s triggers

Today’s migraine trigger is brought to you by Austin’s storm systems, sleep deprivation and stress letdown.

Later, storm systems, violent winds and pollen helped…

One time, in an act of cruel retaliation, a person very close to me accused me of being an addict. Chronic for a decade, migraineur all my life, such an attack was completely new to me and a complete shock. Days like today…when my brain feels in the verge of exploding and oozing out of my eyeballs, I’m nauseous and dizzy from the magnitude of pain and neurological symptoms and carrying on a conversation requires every speck of effort I have…I’m trying so very hard to be human among the Normals….and her savage words cross my mind. I remember that I would absolutely NEVER wish this on another human…but maybe she would be worth it? Maybe she’d like to experience it – for posterity…maybe she could use the experience to help her soul, to better herself? Wonder if she could tolerate it, wonder if she has the stregth? Smh. Probably not. Limited strength, forked tongue, plenty of karma.

Politics continues …don’t read unless you’reโ€‹ a friend to #Libertarians

Political crap slinging continues. It’s so obnoxious. Yesterday I read a post that accused those who chose not to discuss politics as choosing inaction. Who thinks they are entitled to decide what a person is doing just because they refuse to talk politics? Judgmental douche canoes.

Why do I have to defend myself? Leave me alone. Everyday I am active: talking with and teaching my children, writing emails to my representatives and news orgs, involved with my kids’ schools, paying it forward, and living as a good human. I just don’t put it out there – “Everyone, see what *I’m* doing!” Nor do I assume anything about other humans until I’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Most of my life, I have been immersed in caring for sick people, for addicts, homeless, for children, pregnant children, people from every ethnicity and socioeconomic level. I’ve been punched, kicked, spit on, screamed at, harassed and sexually harassed in my efforts to help. I’ve been the subject of prejudice because of labels. Marc and I have been penniless, jobless. It’s easy to look at me and say – hey, she’s fair-skinned and middle class and privledged. I have many blessings, but I am not privledged. As a young nurse with fair skin and almond shaped eyes, I sported a popular Japanese surname on my ID badge in a ward full of WW2 vets. Prejudice comes in all shapes and sizes. 

If we continue with labels, we continue small thinking. And that upsets me for our children. They deserve better. This world is too small for race and prejudice. Heritage is beautiful, race is a thing of the past. Just tonight at the banquet, one of the theater boys mentioned several times that he had “come out” regarding his sexuality. And I couldn’t help thinking: I’m happy he feels free, but who cares? It just doesn’t matter. Not anymore. It doesn’t matter. And I so dream of a world where your sexual orientation, your skin color, your religion…it doesn’t matter. Only humanity matters. That world is right there in front of us…no big deal at all…just open your eyes and live it. It’s here.

Tired.

The weather. Systems are moving in and out and my head keeps pace. My sacroiliac is tantruming.

I prepped for the cleaning crew (they are so awesome) and ran errands. We’ll start repairs on the house soonโ€‹ after we pick all our products and material.

Picking Robyn up from tennis tonight. I’m so tired. And full of pain. And so tired. Tired. Tired of talking about it. Tired of feeling it. Tired of fighting, of existing only. Tired of being tired.

I’m tired and done. Today someone told me on Facebook that we were ok because our home insurance deductible was under 5 thousand dollars. So that was good. Lol. Nice. Maybe for you!! I don’t have that money.

Then my notifications alerted me there was another repsonse on my EMDR reveal post. Facebook had a prompt above my post for me to click: “Ask for assistance with this post?” Horrified. I was horrified. And immediately closed the option. I wish I had screenshot it first. It’s like a rock bottom.

I just can’t do it. I’m so tired. It will never go away.

#ChronicThugLife re EMDR edition

Let’s do this!!

New treatment for me: EMDR is well established therapy…it’s *new* for treating Chronic Migraine. 4 years ago, there was like 1 therapist in Austin practicing the therapy without taking insurance. How far we’ve come!๐Ÿ˜Š 

I’m starting with Shanna, this really nice and experienced gal. 

She believes me and believes in me.๐Ÿ’œโค๐Ÿ’œ
Altho she has experience, research and data, there’s no exciting drug trials or big money behind Integrated-EMDR because – you got it! – no Big Pharma wants to do expensive studies when there’s no profit to be made. 
Chronic Migraine is a whack disorder – no pretending about that – although you spend 89% of your life pretending to be okay. It’s not a sexy sickness – there’s no big research, no multi-million dollar marches – it’s long, life-long… There’s a beginning, a middle…but no end. No remission. Expensive beyond expensive. It stretches out over months and years and decades. It’s rank with stigma and misconception and disbelief and the overwhelmingly loud message to the Chronic person is to “Shut up and take your medicine, Freak, we know – you have a headache – again. And aren’t you better YET? You’re getting the Botox.”โ˜น๏ธ It’s like…you’re still you…but this huge chunk of you is broken or damaged. Symptoms leave you unable, incapacitated, burdensome, unreliable, anxious, embarrassed, vulnerable, depressed, desperate and so very sad. Everyday you lose a little more of the you, you once were.

Anyway… Let’s do this! I have a 110% ready to give!๐Ÿ˜Š๐ŸŽ‰

Of course, I’ve forgotten how exhausting EMDR is. After today’s treatment, I went home and fell fast asleep. Lmao!!๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜ด

Starting Integrated EMDR therapy for Chronic Migraine…breathing in hope.ย 

What the fuck has my life become?

Terrible weather here. Migraine weather.

Starting Integrated EMDR Therapy for Chronic Migraine and chronic pain.

I like the therapist. Shanna.

She and I clicked. She swears and appreciates my sarcasm. So, we’re like BFs.

She believes in the concrete data of the correlation between not having childhood subconscious needs met and developing chronic pain. We’ll work on interrupting the migraine cycle before it gets out of control.

I felt at ease with her…no problems revealing myself. I’m anxious to get started.

Came home. Migraine ramping. Cefaly put me to sleep. Now my head’s at a 7. Meds. Ice please.

Dinner in the crockpot. Gotta get Robyn to tennis at 5. My lashes are on point, despite therapy tears, so I obviously have my shit in a row.

Yesterday was an absolute fucker. Just a ridiculous fucker fucker:

Professional Patient

Good morning. It’s Professional Patient Day. This morning I am rarin’ to go…first stop, consultation for orthodontist for Robyn.

So! Braces will start this summer after Bobbi’s east coast trip. Yay, 6k. That rhymes.

Dropped Robyn at school, made it to ENT F/U appt @10:15.

Cough therapy scheduled for tomorrow. Cough has been worse last four days. She peaked in my nasal sinus and saw pus. Yuck. Cednifir 10 days.

Noticing such swelling in my feet and legs. My hands large and joints painful.

Home for a second. Mail post. Drive to Round Rock. Appt @14:15 w Anthony. 

Still energy – bouncingโ€‹ off the walls

Anthony gets the whole story of the month: GI, GYN, HRT, MD, PSYCH NP, ENT, CT, SI & ABX, NEURO, ONB/TPI, EMDR. I am so blessed to find him; he never gives up on me, he’s encouraging and understanding. 

And then I can talk to him about Karen. Anthony has been following the story with interest. His wife is an ED victim. He has quite an appreciation of the struggle Karen endures. Since he’s been right along side his wife, supporting her. He is so sad to hear the updates. He doesn’t understand how any surgeon would touch her. The only reason I can guess is money. The surgeon knew someone would cut her….at the persistence of her mental illness and her sick mother….why shouldn’t he make the dime if there’s a sure thing? I appreciate his honesty and input. He tells me about a place in Arizona – Remuda Ranch – where his wife found wellness FINALLY at age 21.

I finish up and am back in the car to get to Westlake for Lisa’s appt. My RA is getting angrier. Legs swol, hand joints tender, aching thighs, back, hips. I arrive in good time (rockstar patient ๐ŸŒŸ).

Nick texts me during during appt: Can you bring my tech shirt to the school? Geepers catz, like I have time and stamina for this? Lord, protect me.

There’s a traffic drive home from Westlake…a stop at the pharma. Grab Nick’s shirt at home and drive it in.

My feet and RA are getting progressively worse. So uncomfortable. Must get home for green tea, manesium soak. I can’t go running inside the high school, chasing the boys around to present Nick his shirt he forgot (even tho it was fresh and ready this AM, left conveniently on the banister).

Marc shows up and runs the shirt inside. I can go home and soak.

By night time, I’m pretty sure thatโ€‹ the swelling symptoms are progesterone related. I will stop progesterone pill and message GYN. No dinner tonight… Just leftovers for Marc and Robyn since the boys are at theater. I start my antibiotic, take a detox bath and go to bed.๐Ÿ’œ